Be Still My Heart
by intercostalspace
Summary: An angsty unrequited-love conversation between Ichigo and Rukia during his visit in SS.


Disclaimer: Kubo Tite owns Bleach!

Ok. This may suck big time; just a warning. This should be 3 chapters, but I posted it in 1 go. I am thinking when you get to read chapter 1 you might say it sucked and then wait for chapter 2 hoping the writing improves and then get all disappointed again and again.

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CH. 1

"Hey there. A tad early today huh?" she asked him as she walks towards the porch; she just about finished her breakfast when the helper notified her of his arrival. He did not turn his back to her but answered, "Just woke up earlier than normal, so…" As usual, she was smiling, happy that he is here. Taking a deep breath she sits on the third step of the stairs keeping a decent foot distance between them.

She has gotten used to the feeling actually, of him being just there…without expectations whatsoever, of whatever kind. He looks to his right and smiles at her, and then scowls.

"What?" she asks amused. Although she knows what he is thinking, she just wants him to ask it. She has learned to enjoy such type of conversations which she finds pathetic really…. If he were to tell her the world was flat and his reasons for believing so, she would most probably listen to him. She would listen to anything he would like to say…as long as it is time spent with him, and she is grateful…for letting her love him.

"You are not wearing your uniform?" he asks her looking confused.

This time she laughs at him. "I suppose you do not remember, Ishida gave this to me last month when I visited you guys. Nice isn't it?"

He looks at the sky enjoying its peacefulness. "Ah….so it was a kimono that he gave you. Oh by the way, I might forget…next time since it is your turn to visit us, come on the 15th okay? That's my rest day and the others wanted to go somewhere, so that date is set."

"Fine," she says propping her right elbow on her right knee and her right cheek on her palm looking at him. After his visit today, she will be alone again and miss him again and then miss him some more.

"Looks like I have no say about it." She was teasing him, thinking of something else to add to the conversation when he spoke again.

"Can I ask you something?" He was not looking, still too concentrated on that blue sky.

Unlike him, she enjoyed gazing at his face. He was the type of man who looks even better as he aged.

Oddly enough something as simple as staring makes her happy, even this conversation she is having with him now makes her feel the same. Before, she would rather not speak than talk nonsense.

_Thank you for letting me…for coming here once in a while and letting me…love you._

It has been 4 years and he has matured. _Should it matter?_ That's what she asks herself sometimes when she stares at the mirror. She looks the same as the day they met, not even a day older. And as she has engraved in her brain, she says to herself, _"It does not matter."_ She laughs at herself for even asking. She has made peace with her heart.

"Go ahead," his question manages to wipe the smile off her face.

He seems serious. "Rukia, that day… your last day…before you returned here? Tell me about it."

"Refresh my memory." She remembers actually but wanted to hear from him, at least what impression it left. _He probably thought I was being silly as usual._

--_flashback--_

He was looking at her wondering, "W_hat the heck is this idiot doing? Putting her hand over her chest and smiling like that makes her look like some nutcase!"_ "Rukia," he calls her name softly. He does not talk to her that way anymore, though his brain still does. Amazingly, he has learned to halt that nasty tongue from anything that could upset her. "What are you doing?" he whispers.

They are leaning on the fence at the top of the school building waiting for the bell. "Oh, just talking to myself," she says calmly. _What is this facial expression? I have not seen it before._ He was perplexed. "Oh come on, tell me!" he pleads. "Remind me one day I'll tell you, promise!" she says and then turns around smiling. He stays that way, just looking at her, as she ran off with the girls towards the other side. He was flooded with memories of her …_I have come to love this woman_

_Keep smiling, Rukia._

--_flashback--_

How can she possibly forget that day?

She lied. She would never forget, though he does not know that fact. It was an important event to her and to him….indirectly that is.

He waits patiently for her reply.

In her mind she sighs deeply. _Do not falter,_ she tells herself. _Otherwise I would have wasted all my energy convincing myself how I am to you and you to me. _To her, that moment of silence before she reply felt deafening. _It's okay, it's going to be okay_, she tells herself. _It's okay to love him…_

With resolve, she reaffirms…_I can love and not take love in return._

They switched positions, this time he was looking at those lovely flowers by the garden and she was looking at him.

"Be still my heart."_My heartache stops here. _For years the love her heart carries, remains in solitude, and she is still waiting for that time when it will be all over. She is deep in thought again… _How long will it take?_ _When love is unreciprocated, doesn't it fade away?_

Like mantra_, it's okay. I can love and not take love in return, _though there came a time when it almost drove her insane.

"What?" he asks not getting it really and abruptly facing her.

"Be still my heart," she repeats with a smile. _That smile!_ It is exactly the same as the one she shared with him that day.

"What does it mean?"

"You know when you like a person your heart flutters right?…Like a blush?"

Rukia never blushes, he thought. "Yeah," he responds. Just as he was about to dismiss the conversation and file it in his brain as a worthless trivia, a revelation occurred. "Oh so you like someone? I didn't know that." _How long can I keep coming here…to visit her?_ When he is alone back home his fantasies are always, always of her. Her scent, her skin, her hair, her eyes, her touch…his loneliness after is what eats him. He realizes his fantasies of her being there is not enough, but she does not know it.

"Be still your heart from what!?" he asks in sarcastic tone, surprising himself. _Jealous much?_ _It's been 4 years get over it already! It means she has been in love with this person for who knows how many hundreds of years!? Probably that particular smile is for him huh?…only?_

As she spoke she was looking at him directly in the eye, testing her strength. _If you falter Rukia, you lose him as well as that peace you keep. He might say an insensitive thing or two about his love life you know…Ah! who cares, I can take it... that he might actually be in love with someone since he is old enough! Mind over heart Rukia! _"It is like this actually…I remembered him that time and have decided what course to take."

Masking his disappointment he said, "so, you got yourself a boyfriend here immediately when you came back?" He scratched his head. "Well…that is a surprise!" Right now he just wanted to embrace her, turn around quickly, and jump back to the portal back to Urahara's shoten.

"Nope," she gives him _that _smile again. _This smile is my thanks to you, for coming here, for being kind enough to spare some time. Really I am grateful. Now, be still my heart._

"I said 'be still my heart' because I want it to be still." He faces her with a "WHAT?!" look on his face.

"I know I don't talk normally like this but I'll tell you anyways since I promised." _This is the ultimate torture! What the heck are you doing to yourself, speaking about it like it is some story from a long time ago!_ "When you like someone…like maybe Orihime?" She teases him at her own expense, giving him a grin but he just scowls. She continues, "When you remember that person…perhaps on your own you remember or someone mentions his or her name, your heart flutters. It calls on that one person because it has to be consoled. That is basic: when the heart loves, it is waiting to be loved in return."

"Will you stop that smiling?" he is becoming more irritated, more frustrated actually.

"I'm sorry. It is my consolation."

"Consolation huh?"

"Yeah. I willed my heart to be still. I believe if my heart calls on him, it must be consoled especially if the other person you want isn't there. The least I can do is be kind to myself. Love even without love in return." She says it in an as-a-matter-of-fact tone, and more than ever he just wanted to stand up and leave. How painful is this revelation!

_How long can I possibly endure this unrequited love?_

_If he does not want you I am here, _he wants to say; but he knows When she rejects him, he will know that heartaches can actually kill.

She is resilient.She breaths a sigh of relief. She was able to tell the story after all.

Despite his wanting to leave he was still curious. "So you confessed and he said he does not like you?"

"I did not confess because I am sure I will be rejected, and on top of that we cannot be for some reason or another…." she trailed off.

_It must be Renji! Lucky bastard. She probably does not know Renji likes her. How can she not know?_ "Like shinigami rankings?"

"Something like that I guess." She started grinning sadly. "What are all these questions anyway? Heartaches can kill you know?" She was laughing the pain off. _Will he love her if she begged?_ She was humoring him, laughing hoping to mask that emotion building up.

S_o true… it's pure torture to keep thinking how I love you_ _and you don't_.

"It is like that isn't it?" He says avoiding looking at her though he knows she will never cry. "Someone told me loving is like giving someone a loaded gun and pointing it to your heart, hoping that that person will never pull the trigger."

CH. 2

Still sitting at the porch, "I know this must be sudden and I have never told you this before because I thought I would never have to say it since you always do as you please... You can bring someone here you know…when you visit again." _Since you brought it up, I guess it is time to take that step further. _"Like maybe a girlfriend or a potential wife," she said it in an oh-you-know, maybe, perhaps kind of way. Y_our presence for 4 years have kept me happy enough, consoled enough._

He keeps silent. "I promise I would not tell her anything embarrassing about you," she adds. She chuckles this time, "Promise I won't." and she raises her hand to swear. _I feel selfish, you coming here and me taking your time._

"Rukia…I have been thinking hard since I got in med school…"

"What is it?" she replies.

"Rukia, I do not think I want to get married."

She simply replied, "What does that got to do with med school? Anyway, I'm sure you will change your mind eventually! And if not and the time comes, when you're old and gray, and you can't come to see me and Renji here, we will go to you."

"I would like that," he says looking at a pond from afar. _I would like to be here when my time comes and still be with you. _He looks at her, "That would mean a lot to me."

"I want to tell you something. Do not interrupt me okay?"

He just nods for her to go on.

"Should the time come and you decide otherwise—to love that is—I advise you… listen carefully to her heart." She pauses and her eyes bores into him. "Because unless you listen, as in listen, you will never hear a heart break. No matter how close that person is to you. I must tell you, if a heart keeps calling on someone without consolation, it breaks." Her eyes were looking at his, wanting desperately to get this message across. _I gave myself that smile to reassure myself and have peace…that I have accepted my fate; otherwise, I would have gone mad waiting for you to love me. At first I thought your coming here and my coming to your world was a bad idea, but when I think really hard, it is not so bad at all because your being here consoles me, you being here makes me happy even if you do not love me in return._

He nods. He understood. _Rukia don't you heart my heart breaking? If I die 70 years from now and come here, wouldn't it be like dying everyday?_

_That's it. That speech to him is her goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. _She reaches for his orange hair and runs her hand through it. "Gosh, don't you look so old!" It felt wonderful to touch him yet disgusted with herself because the intention was different really. Her simple gesture made him bolder; surprising himself, surprising her. He reached for her hand on his head and took it, just holding it. She was smiling, _that _smile, again. _I am alright after all. I did not even flinch. _While he was holding her hand, she was thinking…_I love you, with all my heart… I am happy you are here, even for a short time, and that is enough._

He was gazing directly at her. "Tell me who he is."

"I can't." This time she smiles bitterly.

"Why not?"

"Because it has been so long since I have spoken that name."

He was still holding her hand. They were thinking it is a friendly gesture from the other but in reality they were both indulging themselves from what they think is selfishness; her from stroking his hair and him caressing her hand.

_I suppose an embrace would be too much to ask for huh Rukia?_

"Tell me Rukia..."

She shakes her head. "I can only console myself this much. I want to keep the peace I have made with my heart. It is content."

He connects the back of her hand with his left cheek while looking at her. "Very well," he says.

CH. 3

"Kuchiki-dono, Kuchiki taicho asks for you," the helper interrupts their conversation. So she stands up and goes inside the mansion, actually she is quite relieved. It was so emotionally draining talking about all this with him, but she was honest. She wanted him to bring someone here, a significant other perhaps…another selfishness on her part. She knows when he brings someone over, she will be completely crushed and forget, and she wants it that way.

Rukia holding your hand just makes me need you more. Maybe I should come twice as often. Unlike you I do not want to stop the fluttering, I do not want to console myself. Let it break if it must.

Renji comes running towards the porch shouting, "Oi Ichigo! Sorry I just came by now, I had so many paperwork!"

He was looking at Renjie thinking how he can ask him about that Rukia thing. "Renji, have you ever told Rukia you like her?"

Renji was taken aback. "What is wrong with you asking me that question? And nope, she does like me back. So, no."

"How do you know, you did not even confess?"

"Because I know that girl okay? Now stop it or I'll leave." This is making him uncomfortable.

"Why don't you just tell her even though she will reject you? At least she knows."

The red-haired guy seriously looks at Ichigo and sits, "You know, it's not that because I'm chicken or anything like that, and it is not the rejection per se. I keep it to myself because when I tell her it would be adding salt to the wound." He smiled at Ichigo. "And I am 100 positive about it."

Rukia come back from inside the mansion. "Oi Renji! Nii-sama called asking if you were here. Go back there. He says you forgot something!" Rukia was truly irritated.

Renji's eyes were as big as saucers. "Looks like you remember now huh?" Rukia says with a smirk. "Forgetful old hag!" called Ichigo as he shunpo-ed without saying goodbye to the two.

"Rukia…" Ichigo was looking straight at her.

"Hmmmnn?" She sits again gazing at the sky. _Beautiful as always. I wish my heart is as peaceful._

"Rukia…."

"What?"

He wanted to kiss her right then and there but he still needs to confirm his hunch. His heart was beating wildly.

Ichigo closes the gap between him and Rukia. He places his head on her left shoulder. This action actually surprises her. As she has done just a few moments ago and out of shear longing and selfishness, she runs her hand through his hair. This time he does not take her hand. He just lets her. "You smell wonderful, being this close you know," he says. She did not reply though.

She thought he would change the topic and move away. She was still holding his hair. His right cheek still resting on her left shoulder, so she let her left cheek rest on his orange her. _You smell good too. You know, I might get spoiled if you keep moving closer. Just a second more…I must pull away. _"We need to sit properly. Someone might come and think of something else."

He decides to say it after all, "This is and it is something else... I will only move if you tell me, 'Ichigo, move a little.'"

"Move a little and this is not something else," she says quivering.

Now he was so sure. She smelled his hair and she was so unsure when she asked him to move. He whispers to her making her shiver. "No. I want the exact phrase. 'Ichigo, move a little." They were so close it was confusing her. _What is this? He figured it out?_

_Rukia, I am not slow. That name thing was a dead give away. I am not letting go. You have no idea how lonely I felt all this time, and how foolish, keeping a picture of you on my desk and on my wallet like husband to a wife. One time someone asked me about you and I said, "Yeah, she is but it is a long distance relationship." Ishida just pat me on the back to say, 'it is okay'._

"When will you call me again by my name? It has been ages….." He slipped his right hand around her waist hugging her. He looked at her face this time, too close for her comfort actually.

No sobbing. Nothing can be heard from her. She did not reply, but tears were brimming. "I'll call you by your name again, just don't tease me about it." Indeed, he figured it out. He was confused at what she was saying. Did she understand what he was telling her?

"I want to ask a favor. It is the least you can do. Do not come this close again." She was pushing him away now. Determined but not as forcefully as she wants to. It seems this is so emotional for her, she has lost her strength.

"I hope you can bring someone with you here next time." Her palms were on his chest making him want to move to his side as she speak, but he was stronger. Her pushing just made him pull her closer, to tell her he feels the same and that it is alright, that she was wrong in thinking he does not love her. Oh how wrong she was!

"Don't push me away," he says under his breath, placing his face on the crook of her neck.

She stopped resisting and she placed her hand on her face. "I'm sorry you figured it out. You do not have to comfort me, you can take your hand off me now. I'll be okay promise." They were suspended that way. "I'll be okay I promise," she says again while wiping her tears like a child.

He tightened his right arm on her waist and his left arm did the same, completely embracing her. It feels so right. This time she was pulling away again as she focuses on her voice not to brake. This is too much for her. "It's okay! I swear! You do not have to comfort me. Thank you for your concern." She then closed her eyes pulling shattered pieces of herself together. _Some resolve you have_.

"Fool." He cupped her left cheek using his left hand. Still beautiful in spite of her tears.

Her eyes were closed. "Open your eyes," he says with his softest voice possible. He whispers on her right ear, "I'll let you go if you open your eyes."

After a moment she opens her eyes. He was staring at her. To her surprise, he kisses her …w_ith all his heart._

She can now stop calling him 'hey'.

END.


End file.
